Deal with it

So, we broke up. I asked for it. 

Right now there is only a gap,which pretty much means that I have been avoiding to think about it and it's been three days since it happened. I also haven't told anyone. 

Nobody,at all.

And I'm not even sure why. I guess I've been thinking that once you share it with someone then it's more real you know?

And you know what's the funniest think?I think she's dealing with it in a much healthier way than me. Her first reaction was like denining it,then she was angry and then... I don't know because I haven't seen her yet or spoken to her on the phone.

The thing is that for the past month or so I felt totally neglected like she would never be there for me even if I needed to be with her more than anything.I know how selfish this sounds and it probably is but this is how it has been for me. I've gone through one of the most important exams so far all by myself and God knows I needed some support and some sympathy to help me cope with all this madness. 

But no, she was too busy trying to keep everyone away because, hat's the phase she's going through right now, and does she know why?I don't believe so,I feel so tired, and whats going on in her head right now is like I dunno, a skein and I don't even know how to start unwrapping it, how to get to the center of all her sadness.

So I stay here, keeping my thoughts to myself, measuring my strength until I have the energy to deal with this break up in the appropriate way. 

 

Listen to the falling.

Is there a meaning in continuing the writing of a blog that  no one seems to be reading?

I guess for those of us who believe that the tree actually felt  in the forest, even though  there was not even a soul there to listen to it,hearing the falling yes there is a meaning.  

   Many things have been to the back of my head  since the previous post.

Lot's of stuff about how do I like the new me.

I wouldn't know now since every time there is a situation reminding me to take a little look on the inside I choose to whistle like "it wasn't me" .I watch a movie,play pictionary anything, anything but endoscopy;anything but looking for the pieces.

But you know what?I recently understood that, we may live our lives forward but we understand them backwards.

So we act based on our instincts, ask the heart what to choose, and  then a while later things that used to seam meaningless and small get enlightened with purpose.Because sometimes you just have to let the subconscious take a lead.

And this is how I cope with life the past few days,if I don't feel like doing something even though it's my only opportunity I simply don't.And I  keep hoping that when the time comes and I can finally take a look at the bigger picture the decision would prove to be right.

Solving the puzzle.

      And there comes a day when you don't fit anywhere.

Not in the minus six out there, neither at the twenty six plus on the inside;you don't belong anywhere.

Not among friends, not among lovers not with your family.

It's like there is a gap and you're just trapped in it, as if you are still twelve, and lying at the bottom of the bathtub while it's wet and you have your pajamas on.

So I rewind: what was I doing to get out back then? I dealt with it as if I was a character in a videogame,somewhere around here there is a puzzle and you can get out as soon as you put the pieces together.

Looking around for the puzzle I only find compromise but it was the only way to proceed chasing the dream back then wasn't it?? 

    I moved out when I was eighteen years, and five days old, having planned the next five years of my life pretty much just as they are right now.But so many things changed, I have changed.I've lost whole pieces of my self;some of them gone forever and some others replaced ,with what I thought then was steel ,but only ended up being punch resistant plastic.

So I guess the next piece of the puzzle is how do I like the new me?